I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
