I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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