sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
