Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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