I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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