I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
