my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
