My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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