I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
