I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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