I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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