Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He did a backflip because drugs
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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