i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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