Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
