she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
