my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize