Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
