yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
