Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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