i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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