i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize