I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
