My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
