oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
