my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
