My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize