Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
