Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
