he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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