well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
