You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
