Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
