I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
