I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
