If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
