you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
