im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
