I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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