Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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