wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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