I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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