Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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