If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
