apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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