She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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