I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Two words: nipple clamps
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