the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
