so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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