(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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