While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
