i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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