Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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