this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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