I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
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