I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
