OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
