I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
