I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
