12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
