i would punch a child for taco bell
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
There's always time for handjobs
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
