I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The power of my boobs compel you
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
