Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
